Losing Hope
by CrowleytheSassy
Summary: While trying to find out if Crowley still has human qualities I am face with emotional choices and painful memories. Written in first person as an additional character.


I went to see Crowley for the first time since they brought him to the bunker. Kevin had stepped out for awhile, and Sam and Dean were on a case. He was bloody and snarky as hell but I didn't want to leave so I ignored the hurtful words and tried to reach the part of him I hoped was still human.

"Crowley, you look like hell." I chuckled at my own weak joke, and watched him roll his eyes. I turned my head down and and sighed the mood turning serious. "I'm sorry."

"It was a horrible joke you know." He replied ignoring the obvious. He refused to meet my eyes as I stared at him.

"You know I wasn't talking about the joke, I'm sorry about all of this. You're in chains and trapped in a dungeon." I drug in a chair from the otherside of the room and sat facing him.

"Well you are human. Weaker, slower, and unless you find a vampire or werewolf you will never get into Purgatory. We are both in the worst of our situations." he answered.

I teared up at his words they were true of course, weeks ago I had been a shifter. Strong and powerful until Metatron decided to give me what he deemed as hope. I had wanted to die after Benny was murdered by my own friend. At least if I was dead I could go find Benny in Purgatory, but Metatron wanted me to live so he ripped out the part of my soul that made me useful. My chest still hurt where what was left was trying to heal and compensate for the loss I took. I sniffed and met his gaze.

"Part of me wants to believe that part of you is human now too." I stood up to leave and as I reached the doorway I turned back to look at him. He was staring vacantly like he was remembering something and in his eyes I saw something, fear and worry.

I passed Kevin heading toward the bunker. He had a small kitchen knife in his hand and his eyes were furious. I shoved him aside.

"You have done enough to him. You are a fool for listening to him in the first place. Now go do yourself a favor and stop torturing yourself by facing him. He crumpled into tears and muttered mom repeatedly. "Please Kevin, please."

He turned and headed toward his room. I sat down at one of the many tables in the library sighed into my hands. Life was getting complicated and messy. I remember before I met and joined the Winchesters I was the type of person who always had all their ducks in a row. No it wasn't nearly as exciting, but it was clean and structured. Now I had lost the only man I had ever loved, lost the part of myself that was useful, and lost all contact with the outside world.

I wanted comfort but knew I would never get it here. I wanted to run away but my connections made me a target to multiple creatures, I couldn't even protect myself. I looked at the doorway leading to the dungeon and sighed. My life was abyssmal but maybe I could give someone else hope. Plus there was a theory I had been wanting to try for days now. To see if Crowley still had a small human spark in him I was going to give him what he wanted most. Love.

I entered the dungeon with a damp cloth and sat back down in the chair. With a gentle hand I took Crowley's in my own. Before this he just looked bewildered but at contact he jerked a little.

"What the bloody hell are you doing!" he shouted in my direction.

"You are covered in blood and frankly it just looks gross." I answered taking his hand more firmly than before and bringing the cloth to it. After a few minutes of childish sqaubble and I had all but his face cleaned up. I brought the cloth up to his eyes and then his nose. "You don't even have bruises or deep cuts. Does it even hurt when they hit you."

"Of course it does, but the worst part is knowing they will always come back." he seemed shocked he let the last part slip. Admitting a fear, a weakness was strange for him. I pretended not to notice.

"I'm sorry if I could unchain you I would, but that would probably get us both killed. Eventually anyway." he looked into my eyes and I saw something new, hope.

"I could protect you." he said softly. "We could just vanish back into my world and no one could touch you."

I was shocked to hear him speak so gently. I paused before answering the offer was so inviting but the feeling in the deepest pit of my stomache said otherwise. "I don't know if I can trust you." He was silent at these words but sadness crept into is posture and face. "But I want to."

His appeared shocked at these words and looked me in the eye. "I want you to too."

I leaned in to wipe the last little bit of blood from around his mouth when he leaned forward. His face met mine and our mouths connected in a heated moment. I could tasted the sharp metal taste of blood that had rested in the corner of his lips. In a second it was over and our passionate kiss broke.

"Please, trust me. I need you to, I hate thinking that you can't trust me, please." His voice was cracking and I was still reeling from the kiss. Wordlessy I used the key to unlock Crowely from his binds and he held me in his arms. "Please release me from the Devil's Trap and we can leave together. We can go anywhere, have anything."

More reluctantly I agreed and used my knife to scratch the paint away. Heart pounding I turned around and my worse fears where realized. I had been betrayed and he was gone. I stood alone in the dungeon and cried. Through blurry eyes. I noticed a note resting on the chair Crowley once occupied.

"I'm sorry." I read aloud he had signed his name and left me and apology that would never mean anything. I crumpled the note and whispered, "Not as sorry as I am."

I went to my room and packed a bag I'm sure Sam and Dean would be here in a few hours when Kevin calls them after he goes to the dungeon to blow off a little more steam. By then I would be gone. They will just assume Crowley killed me or took me for a bartering ship by the time the truth came out finding me would be nearly impossible.

This would probably be my last time in the bunker, because if a demon, angel, or any other shade of monster came after me I wouldn't fight back. I might get lucky and get to live out the rest of my life normally but that didn't seem likely. I mean when did I ever get lucky.


End file.
